- I made an honest mistake.
- They're not gonna believe anyone can be that stupid.
You're doing a PhD in History of Art.
- In 17th century Flemish textiles.
- Blood antiquities are being looted from Syria
by jihadist militants.
- We have a war crime in our kitchen!
- We are not hiring a bounty hunter.
- Barnaby?
- My dad's a crook, I'm lying to the police.
- I shot a guy from a cartel!
You happy?
- The body count rises.
Who wants tea?
- The statues are worth at least $5 million,
I said I'd sell them to the cartel for two million.
- You want me to go to Mexico?
- I need this money.
And so does Nina.
- That is, um, more-ish.
- Open it.
You earned it.
Two million dollars!
Of cocaine?
- Ola, senor.
Por favor, uno, roomo.
Trying to make an effort.
- Two or double?
- Double, because we are a married couple on holiday.
- Okay.
- Why the hell did you tell him we were married?
- Because I didn't want him asking questions.
- It's not Victorian England,
- Yes I know, but we do look like a pretty odd couple.
- What the hell do you mean by that?
- So, how you wanna pay?
- Do you by any chance accept...
Cocaine?
- Jesus Christ, we're in Los Cartenas territory
and you just gave some schmuck
10 grand of their own coke.
- I'm sorry, I don't know what the exchange rate is.
God, I always overpay on holiday.
- We are not on holiday!
You better wake up, kid, or we'll both end up dead.
- You want me
to take your bags? - No, no, all good, thank you.
We travel light.
Just the clothes on our back and a, load of snort.
- TV, bedroom, bathroom.
- What a dump.
- It's lovely.
It used to be one room,
I make it two room.
- Very entrepreneurial.
- Think I left something in the car.
- This bed is very comfy, bit of spring to it.
Bet it's seen a fair bit of action in its time.
If these sheets could talk.
What's the toggage on that?
- Todgit?
- Toggage.
- Todgit?
This is lovely.
Have you visited Japan?
- No.
- De bano, de bano.
- You want me to show how to use toilet?
- Yes, thank you.
One always assumes but assumption
can be the mother of all failure.
Case in point.
Una moment.
Are you okay?
- I wonder what's happened to Leah?
- After all the lies and shit your sister put us through,
I could give two poo-poo's where she is.
- But we've got her cocaine.
- Our cocaine.
Listen Barnaby.
We're gonna be fine.
All we need to do is get new passports, and some cash, and,
kill the drug lord in the trunk.
- Pull!
You're late
Grayson Perry's.
She wrote a piece in The Guardian
calling us a cultural cancer.
Pull!
I have a job for you.
Nigel Walker's deposit box.
It's in the City of London vault.
200 feet below ground boasting to 25 ton doors
capable of withstanding a 30 megaton blast,
requiring both iris and voice recognition.
Interest.
Adolf Hitler's only nude.
The Braun sisters, Eva, Elsa, and Grandmother Gretel.
- Nigel Walker had it the whole damn time
so why aren't we turning his store upside down?
- Softly, softly Keegan, the man died at our house.
We need Barnaby Walker,
- Dead or alive.
- No, no.
We need him alive, he'll lead us to the painting.
Feel free to dispose of Nina Morales.
- Good luck.
- What.
- No way!
- Shooting a guy who's all tied up
is a sneaky bitch ass move.
You should do it.
- I'm not a bitch ass.
Rock, paper, scissors?
One, two, three.
- One, two, three.
- What, so now you wanna kill him?
- What, no.
Paper beats rock.
- No it doesn't.
- Paper covers rock.
- So what the fuck is that gonna do?
The rock will just rip right through it!
- Sorry.
You think that rock can beat paper and scissors?
- Obviously.
- That makes no sense.
In that scenario, who would pick paper?
- All right.
We'll toss a coin.
- Wait.
Tails, you kill him, heads, I kill him.
It's heads.
- Fair is fair.
- But it's not fair is it?
It's totally unsporting.
- Man up.
- Right, let's not resort to crude gender stereotypes here.
Your womanhood should in no way
impact upon your abilities to kill that man.
If anything, it entitles you to murder him.
- Don't Beyonce me into this.
- Jesus Christ, just give me that.
- 'Tis done?
- He'll need to use bathroom.
I'll get my passport, you deal with that.
- Miss, er, Morales. - Morales.
- You came to Mexico on vacation,
but you can't remember what flight you were on.
Nor do you have a ticket, or a credit card,
or any identification, and you want me,
to give you a US passport?
Lady, do I look like Santa Claus?
- You look like you ate Santa Claus,
and had his reindeer for dessert.
What are you doing?
What is that?
- I dealt with it.
- You untied him?
- No.
- So did he go?
- I held him.
- You what?
- I unzipped his flies and,
decanted him into a bottle of Fanta.
- You touched his dick?
- Yes.
- Jesus, Barnaby.
Better kill this guy before he needs to take a dump.
- How did it go in there?
- Not good.
- Maybe they'll let me call the British Consulate.
- Okay, go waste your breath.
Here you go.
This might seem like a dumb question, but,
do you know Prince William?
- Yep, still here.
- A friend definitely can't travel with me
on my temporary passport.
What was that?
I can get a temporary passport
at the British Consulate in Cancun.
- But?
- But, you can't travel with me as a friend.
- What the hell's that mean?
- Hell, no.
- Nina Morales.
- Get the fuck outta here!
- Will you make me the happiest--
- Get up! - Okay.
I don't like it, either.
- What are you grinning for?
- Just saying hello.
- What's up with your hair?
- I thought it would be nice
to make a little bit of an effort for our special day.
- This is weird enough.
Please don't make it any weirder.
- Please join your hands before God.
Barnaby Mahler Walker, - My lord!
- And Nina Maria Morales,
do you enter into marriage freely, and wholeheartedly?
- I do. - Sure.
- Will you celebrate each other's bodies
as man and wife to produce children,
raising them according to the law of Christ?
- Can we ramp this up?
. Now you may exchange vows.
- What?
Vows?
- Nina, you have protected me and comforted me
through thick and thin, like a good Barbour jacket.
You've been my friend, my source of strength,
and I feel I can cope with whatever life throws at me
knowing that you will be at my side.
I know it can be hard putting your feelings onto paper,
so just speak from the heart.
- Okay.
Barnaby, when I first met you,
I thought that you might have some type of
social, whatchamacallit?
- Awkwardness.
- Autism, but, then I realized
it was just a British thing, so.
- Thank you.
I'm overwhelmed.
- Well,
witness?
You need a witness otherwise
that marriage certificate is not legal.
- You know, at some point we are
going to need your date of birth.
- September 4th,
- 19... 6... 70?
- Give me that.
- Padre, about the payment.
- I also do baptisms and funerals.
- Got us a flight.
Leaves at midnight, goes via Toronto,
but beggars can't be choosers.
- Passports?
- Awaiting us in Cancun, Mrs. Walker.
- You do know I have a gun?
- Understood.
- Right, now, you wanna talk about
how we're going to get that cocaine back to London?
- What?
I don't deal in drugs in London Nina.
I mean here, you know, when in Rome, but erm.
- You sell blood antiquities!
- That's just completely different.
Cocaine is responsible for some terrible things.
You only have to walk round Tate Modern to see that.
- What do you want Barnaby?
- I want to go home.
See my mum again, put this whole nightmare behind me.
- Yeah, kid, I hear you, but it ain't that easy, okay?
I hate drug dealers.
I spent my entire life tracking those scumbags down,
but, we both have obligations.
So step up, at least for your family.
- Our family, technically.
- Be careful, that thing explodes inside of you
you'll die slowly.
- For the hundredth time,
I have a very sensitive gag reflex.
- Well, what won't go down must go up!
- What?
No, not for all the tea in China!
- Come on.
- Why does it have to go up my bottom?
I mean technically, you have a larger receptacle.
- Are you implying I have a fat ass?
- No, I meant, um...
- You mean my vagina?
- Yes.
Anatomically it is more, capacious,
- Ca-what?
- Voluminous, roomy.
- And how do you know I have a roomy vagina?
- Not your vagina, the vagina.
- You were happy to put a man's dick in a bottle.
- Happy?
I derived not an ounce of satisfaction
thumping that man's glans into a bottle.
This is ridiculous.
- You know your father died for this deal?
- Don't use that against me.
- All right, I'm sorry.
But right now we have absolutely nothing
to show for all the shit we've been through!
You put this up your ass,
and I'll kill Angel.
- I'm using some hand lotion to lubricate the package.
- Don't need a commentary.
- I'm deflowering myself in a hotel lavatory.
The least you could do is show me some support.
You're supposed to be my-- - Don't say wife.
- Friend.
The package has been delivered.
Oy, get out!
- Shhh.
Is that my toothbrush?
Stay calm.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
- My God, I'm clenching.
- Stop it!
- How can I?
- It'll break.
- Get it out of me?
- What?
No! - Please.
The package is retreating.
Hello!
Don't let me interrupt.
Nina, help me.
Pull me through.
Sorry about this.
- Get the fuck outta here!
- Son of a...
- Nina!
- Relax!
That's easy for you to say.
- You can overdose!
- That is not relaxing.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- What is that?
Nina, a little help.
I think it's time to check out.